Relationships, Marriage & Children

I've been giving a lot of thought to the future lately and what might lay ahead for me...

I was purposely trying not to plan, but it's just to difficult for me not to. I'm a planner, that's just my personality and who I am. So many questions and things to think about...

Could I get married again? Would I have more children? 

The marriage thing I'm not sure about. Yes, I had a bad first experience and am now waiting to get divorced. But I still believe in love and perhaps I would get married again. 

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The children thing I'm more certain on. I don't want any more kids (eek, that's it out there in black and white!). There are a whole heap of reasons... physically and emotionally I don't think I could manage. I had obstetric cholestasis with both pregnancies and thankfully had two healthy babies. I just don't know that I could face the stress and worry of another pregnancy. My son arrived at 33 weeks spontaneously and the doctors were concerned that my second could arrive even earlier. Thankfully I managed to get to 37 weeks before being induced. I also suffered emotionally afterwards and struggled to enjoy parenthood. Despite friends saying it would perhaps be different with a more supportive partner, I'm not sure that that would be the case.

I also don't think I would like to have my current two kids with me 50% of the time, with another baby with me 100% of the time. I just don't feel that it would be fair. I very much wanted my children and I don't want them to feel left out. I didn't have children to only have them with me 50% of the time and I really struggle with this, even now, and this has been the routine now for some time.

Finally, as selfish as this may seem and probably contradicts what I've said above, I do enjoy my time to myself without the kids. Yes, this was not how I imagined my life turning out being divorced in my 30s but I do have a good balance of work, play, family-time and me-time.

I hope that I've been up front with Rick from the start of our relationship on my feelings but it's not something we've discussed in great detail. I'm asking a lot from him... by choosing to stay with me, he would be choosing to not have children of his own. I don't think he's given this enough thought and I've asked him to give this some serious consideration before we think about taking the next step... perhaps moving in together. I don't know what will happen if he decides that in actual fact he does want to have children of his own.

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Relationships - What's in a Name?

Rick has told me that the one thing he would change about me is my surname.

I still have my married surname, despite being separated for over 3 years. To be honest, I hadn't even given it much thought until he mentioned it.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose

{Photography by me!}

I kept the name because I wanted to have the same surname as my kids. I guess I could have asked to double-barrell the kids current surname with my maiden name, but you need the consent of everyone with parental responsibility for this.

Then there's also the issue of my PhD which is also in my married name. I'm not sure that I could still use it if I changed my name? (Does anyone have any experience of this?).

My sister is now separated and very quickly she changed back to her maiden name (you don't have to wait until your divorce is final to revert back) - but there are no kids involved which makes it easier.

I set up a new bank account after the separation and my ex did ask me what name it was under - I think he thought I would have started using my maiden name. Aside from this it hasn't been mentioned. I do wonder what he thinks of it though and perhaps he would want me to change it. Perhaps his partner would want me to change it too because then if and when they get married there would be the two of us with the same surname which may make things complicated at the school or whatever.

My current thoughts are that I could drop my surname altogether like Prince and just be 'Sarah'. Would that work??!

I think one circumstance in which I would reconsider my surname would be if I were to get remarried. Even then I don't know what I would do because I would still like to have a link with the kids in some way.

Planning & Looking to the Future

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I'm a planner.

I love to organise my time, know where I'm going to be and when... 

I don't like the uncertainty of not knowing what's around the corner.

In my head I have a clearer career plan. My new job has helped with that and I feel focussed in this area of my life.

I also have a fitness plan, and I'm feeling motivated to reach my goal. Next on my list is to manage at least one full, proper press-up. So far I can only do press-ups on my knees. I also need to lose a few more pounds.

What I don't like is the uncertainty of my personal life... relationships, money, health... I'm not feeling very settled for some reason and it's making me stressed and emotional.

Things with my divorce are starting to progress again in the right direction, and at a better speed than before. So hopefully I'll have some resolution in this area soon. I do think this will help dramatically with things. Plus it will be good when those lawyer bills finally stop!! Which leads onto money, or lack thereof. I've been saving where possible to allow my luxuries to continue. However I'm really feeling it this year and I've borrowed money from my dad and my sister. It should all even out eventually as my student loan repayments are going to stop this quarter - that will help hugely! All this stress is making my Crohn's symptoms worse and I'm feeling pretty exhausted most of the time. However I'm great at 'putting on a good show' as my doctor put it, and I carry on regardless.

I have an Easter holiday organised which I'm really looking forward to. My sister and her boyfriend have booked a luxury lodge in Scotland (I will pay you back eventually...promise!) and we've been planning what to do with our week off. There will be the four grown-ups plus our four kids. I'm hoping for dry weather so we can BBQ, play in the park and have some quality time together.

So for now, I'm going to breathe... (try to) trust... let go... and see what happens!

Children Vs Career

I've now been in my new job for about 6 weeks and I'm thoroughly enjoying the new challenge.

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Life is super busy and I can only see it getting even more manic as the demands from the job increase. They're easing me in gently as I get up to speed with things, but thankfully I seem to be grasping all the new systems quickly.

At the start of the week, whilst the kids are with their dad, I work longer days. I then have Wednesday off which is spent catching up on some housework whilst the littlest is at nursery and then in the afternoons we spend some quality time together before collecting the eldest from school. I then have the children on Thursdays and Fridays. These days are full on. I have arranged my hours at work so that I can still do the nursery and school drop-off, and then I also do the pick-up too at school. I'm rushing around, speeding across town to work and back again. At the house I have to keep on top of everything so that I'm organised and ready for the next day. It's ever so slightly stressful. I never used to enjoy the weekends... I used to work Mon, Tues and Wed at my old job and the weekends didn't really mean much to me. Now I love the weekends. No school run, no work to go to...

Despite how busy it all is, a part of me wants to increase my hours at work. I am really enjoying being Sarah the project manager rather than so-and-so's mummy. I'm loving putting all my organisational skills to good use and the role is perfect for me. I think it's important for my own sanity that I work. I also could be done with the extra cash that working more hours would bring.

When I was at university I was really driven. I put so much effort into getting summer placements that were relevant for my future career... I sent out hundreds of letters trying to secure a pre-registration year and all my hard work eventually paid off. After having the kids I lost my confidence and I lost my mojo. But it's back and I'm feeling motivated. I'm lucky to have a great new job... and then the guilt kicks in - perhaps I shouldn't be loving my work so much, perhaps I should be wanting to stay at home with the kids more.

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That said, the other part of me is glad that I can be there for the children on the days they are with me rather than them being in breakfast clubs or after school clubs. My mum didn't work when I was at primary school and she went back to work part-time when I was older. She was always there for me and that's something I'll always remember. I want to be able to do the same for my kiddies. I love that we bake together, craft together, that I can take them to activities, spend time with friends and as the weather gets better I'm looking forward to after school trips to the park... I had thought that I would give up work and be a stay-at-home-mum but with the separation that's not possible. Today is World Book Day and unlike my mum who would have sewn me an outfit, I literally had zero time and so the kids are off to nursery and school in shop bought outfits. Here's the guilt creeping in again. 

The thing I struggle with the most is that I didn't have children to only have them half of the time. This is tough for me and my weeks are an emotional rollercoaster as a result. On the flip side, thankfully the kids dad is supportive in that he does have a relationship with the kids, he does 50% of the childcare and also contributes financially which allows me to work part-time. I'm lucky in that respect.

I think whilst the littlest is at nursery it's going to be a juggling act. In August 2016 she'll start school and things will settle down and become much easier. Only one-drop off as opposed to two; not such an early start (nursery goes in 20 minutes before school); I won't need a childminder anymore and if I wanted to I could work on a Wednesday as well which would take my hours closer to full-time and I wouldn't have to feel guilty this time as they'd both be at school so it's not like I'd be giving up spending quality time with them.

But then I feel guilty again for wishing away their childhood...

For now I'm going to enjoy the fact that I have a pretty good balance, and hopefully it will all sort itself out! Live for the moment, or so I keep telling myself!!

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