Relationships - Then I Drew This Line

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There has been lots of correspondence between the lawyers.

The minute of agreement has been drafted and agreed.

I feel like I have finally been able to draw an important line underneath my marriage.

Relationships, Marriage & Children

I've been giving a lot of thought to the future lately and what might lay ahead for me...

I was purposely trying not to plan, but it's just to difficult for me not to. I'm a planner, that's just my personality and who I am. So many questions and things to think about...

Could I get married again? Would I have more children? 

The marriage thing I'm not sure about. Yes, I had a bad first experience and am now waiting to get divorced. But I still believe in love and perhaps I would get married again. 

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The children thing I'm more certain on. I don't want any more kids (eek, that's it out there in black and white!). There are a whole heap of reasons... physically and emotionally I don't think I could manage. I had obstetric cholestasis with both pregnancies and thankfully had two healthy babies. I just don't know that I could face the stress and worry of another pregnancy. My son arrived at 33 weeks spontaneously and the doctors were concerned that my second could arrive even earlier. Thankfully I managed to get to 37 weeks before being induced. I also suffered emotionally afterwards and struggled to enjoy parenthood. Despite friends saying it would perhaps be different with a more supportive partner, I'm not sure that that would be the case.

I also don't think I would like to have my current two kids with me 50% of the time, with another baby with me 100% of the time. I just don't feel that it would be fair. I very much wanted my children and I don't want them to feel left out. I didn't have children to only have them with me 50% of the time and I really struggle with this, even now, and this has been the routine now for some time.

Finally, as selfish as this may seem and probably contradicts what I've said above, I do enjoy my time to myself without the kids. Yes, this was not how I imagined my life turning out being divorced in my 30s but I do have a good balance of work, play, family-time and me-time.

I hope that I've been up front with Rick from the start of our relationship on my feelings but it's not something we've discussed in great detail. I'm asking a lot from him... by choosing to stay with me, he would be choosing to not have children of his own. I don't think he's given this enough thought and I've asked him to give this some serious consideration before we think about taking the next step... perhaps moving in together. I don't know what will happen if he decides that in actual fact he does want to have children of his own.

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Relationships - What's in a Name?

Rick has told me that the one thing he would change about me is my surname.

I still have my married surname, despite being separated for over 3 years. To be honest, I hadn't even given it much thought until he mentioned it.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose

{Photography by me!}

I kept the name because I wanted to have the same surname as my kids. I guess I could have asked to double-barrell the kids current surname with my maiden name, but you need the consent of everyone with parental responsibility for this.

Then there's also the issue of my PhD which is also in my married name. I'm not sure that I could still use it if I changed my name? (Does anyone have any experience of this?).

My sister is now separated and very quickly she changed back to her maiden name (you don't have to wait until your divorce is final to revert back) - but there are no kids involved which makes it easier.

I set up a new bank account after the separation and my ex did ask me what name it was under - I think he thought I would have started using my maiden name. Aside from this it hasn't been mentioned. I do wonder what he thinks of it though and perhaps he would want me to change it. Perhaps his partner would want me to change it too because then if and when they get married there would be the two of us with the same surname which may make things complicated at the school or whatever.

My current thoughts are that I could drop my surname altogether like Prince and just be 'Sarah'. Would that work??!

I think one circumstance in which I would reconsider my surname would be if I were to get remarried. Even then I don't know what I would do because I would still like to have a link with the kids in some way.

{It's the weekend!}

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It's the weekend...

...and this weekend I have the children right through until Monday!! This is part of our new routine (more on the mediation process in another post I think) and I'm really looking forward to quality time with them before my son starts school.

I can't believe that he will be going to school this month! He's getting so grown up!

Anyway, have a great weekend everyone!!! 

Sarah x

{Co-parenting}

I like to think that the kids dad and I have good working relationship when it comes to the co-parenting. I was unable to rely on him as a partner, but thankfully still able to rely on him as a parent. Initially I wasn't very trusting, but I'm hoping that I've improved - at least where the parenting is concerned.

The children have adapted well to the new arrangements and I think this is helped by the fact that their dad and I communicate well.

I've been asked by some other single parents how I've managed this, and I'm not sure there is a secret to share. I guess a lot of it comes down to our personalities - I think I'm a relatively laid back person (do let me know if you disagree!). I'm very proud of myself with how I've dealt with the situation over the past 2 years or so.

Littlest as a baby :)

Immediately after the split I had the children 6 nights a week as he had moved back into his parents house and he wasn't able to take them any more than that. Once he moved into his own rented house, he increased the number of nights and we're now at a 50/50 split. I certainly would never try and stop him seeing the children, which I've heard happen in some cases. He's their father and I'm very happy that he's playing an active role in their upbringing.

The arrangement for the weekends isn't ideal and we both know this will need to change before August when our son starts school. At the moment the kids are with their dad 6 out of every 8 weekend days. The reason for this is that I'm off work on a Thursday and Friday so I spend all day with them then (although it's mainly spent going to classes, swimming lessons, nursery drop-offs/pick-ups etc). I'm hoping that we can move to an even split soon and this is under discussion.

Outside of the day-to-day arrangements, we have shared birthday parties for the kids where my family and his will get together to celebrate, eat cake etc. We're currently in the process of organising a party for the littlest who turns 3 in April.

I was at his house on Christmas morning to see the kids open their presents from Santa.

Christmas morning 2013

When he picks the kids up, or vice versa, we'll sometimes have a quick cup of tea or whatever and catch up.

Initially I was of the opinion that doing things just the four of us was confusing for the kids, but I'm now glad that we did and I do think it is in their best interests that we can do things together.

I've just recently set up a shared calendar to allow us to view appointments, school holidays etc. This was suggested to me by another single mum and I'm hoping that it will further improve our communication.

I'm learning that if I'm not happy with something, rather than bottling it up I will make a telephone call to their dad to discuss. Likewise, I think he'd do the same.

We had a chat over the phone before R met the kids. We didn't agree, but we at least discussed it.

I personally prefer email as a means of communication. It allows me to consider my words carefully, and I can walk away and come back to it prior to sending if need be. But the negative point is that emails and texts may be taken the wrong way. (I personally tend to read out emails in my head prior to sending them to make sure they read ok).

What's difficult is dealing with questions from the kids, and my son who is now 4.5 years old is now asking why his mum and dad live in different houses whereas his other friends have a mummy and daddy in the same house. Whereas previously it was just accepted.

I replied and said that some mummies and daddies live together and some live separately, and that both was ok. I also texted their dad to tell him about this because then if he gets the same questions he'll know how I responded.

What are your thoughts, and do you have any tips for amicable co-parenting?

{#ShareAdvent - Childhood memories}

I've shared quite a lot of my own childhood memories here on the Glasgow Mummy pages... from my favourite childhood books (that I still have to this day!) to my favourite childhood toy (again, that I still have to this day!!). I've even shared pictures from my Christmas in Doha when I was 10 years old... with a funny looking Christmas 'tree'! 

So for today's #ShareAdvent prompt, Childhood memories, I thought I'd share a recent discussion I had with my ex regarding my children and their childhood memories.

Apparently the situation with Gavin, my ex boyfriend, has scarred the children (not sure that was the actual words he used, but it was something along those lines) and that they still talk about him (they've mentioned his name once in front of me since June). Gavin came on a short holiday with the kids and myself (although there were other people there, like my cousin and my sister for parts of the trip) and the ex is of the opinion that I've ruined their memories of their first holiday. I did explain that Gavin was introduced as a friend and we weren't in physical contact with each other in front of the kids. Have I really ruined their memories? I'm not sure I agree. I can't even remember any holidays I went on when I was 6 or 7, let alone what I was doing between the ages of 2-4 years old.

I gave it considerable thought before Gavin met the kids, and it didn't work out. It was my decision to end things. I'm now in a position where I'd like my new boyfriend, R (who I have been seeing for 5 months) to meet them, but the ex thinks I'm being selfish and it's not in their best interests.

I know the situation is far from ideal and I didn't see myself being a separated single mummy. But I want to move on. Obviously I don't want to do anything to jeopardise the children's wellbeing or safety etc but is it selfish that I want R to meet them? They're a massive part of me and my life.

Would appreciate any relevant comments or suggestions on this, from either point of view.

{Guest Post}

I'm not even going to introduce this guest post, as he's written his own wee intro. Read on...

I read and enjoyed @Glasgow_Mummy ‘s blog post called Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

It reminded me of the type of blog post I used to do, and when @Glasgow_Mummy offered me the chance to do a response / guest post, I jumped at the chance.

You see, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I used to blog.

I used to blog a lot.

I’d talk about relationships, and marital problems, and dating dilemmas, and fatherhood issues, and rant about all manner of things.

You might have read it.

It was called The Life of a Single Man.

I’m @Single_Man_75

Or I used to be.

I haven’t been @Single_Man_75 since early April now.  A lot of things prompted me to lose that identity and nowadays I reside on Twitter under a less anonymous account.  If you want to look me up, I’m @therock7507 and my name is Gary.

So I figure I need to respond to Sarah’s post.  She started by asking if we have TVs in our bedroom.

So do I?

Yes I do.  I always have, from when I was a child.  I can’t recall when I got one, but it probably dated from when I got my first computer, maybe aged 8.  For a long time all I did was play computer games on it and nothing else, but as I became a teenager then I started watching TV up in my room.

I blame this for the slow development of my social skills.

In fact I still have a severe lack of social skills, as those who have met me will attest. (I disagree!!)

I used to watch a hell of a lot of TV in my room as a teenager.  In fact, I barely went out.

So it seemed natural to have a TV in my room when I moved out to go to University and later to move in with the woman who became my wife.  She had also had a TV in her room for a long time and we regularly watched TV.

It wasn’t a good marriage, as some of you who read my blogs on the subject may remember.  Like Sarah says, having a TV in the bedroom can hinder communication in a relationship, and I’d certainly subscribe to that view.

TV often became the only thing we’d do in the bedroom.

Yes you read that right.  And the things you’re thinking right now, they’re right too.

So when my kids have been growing up, I’ve steadfastly refused to allow them to have TVs in their bedroom.  I just won’t do it.

I still have a TV in my bedroom but the only time its on is when the kids come into bed with me in a morning.

In relationships I’ve had since my divorce, I’ve found that the women involved don’t like the TV and so we’ve never lay there and watched it.

In short, we’ve found other things to do in the bedroom.

Yes you read that right.  And the things you’re thinking right now, they’re right too.

Sarah also asks about laptops and tablet devices.  I have both.  The tablet is a new thing and comes via my work, but I can’t imagine life without it.  I’m almost permanently attached to it.

But I agree with Sarah about laptops – during the worst times of my marriage, going on the laptop became, for her more than me but definitely for both of us, an escape route.  It meant we didn’t have to spend time together and, in doing so, we drifted apart.

The same is true of Sarah’s next point about going to bed alone.  When my then wife was using the laptop, usually on Facebook, she would stay up late to chat to friends (and the person who she eventually cheated on me with) – and I’d go to bed alone, resenting this.

Its not the same as going to bed on an argument, which is something I’ve never done (as I can’t leave an argument alone until I know its over and done with), but I take the point.

Most of these mistakes were mistakes in my marriage, and I haven’t repeated them in subsequent relationships thankfully.

@Glasgow_Mummy is right – grass is greener where you water it.  Simple gestures make a huge difference.  I remember my ex wife very rarely did any little gestures, either gifts or little verbal encouragers, or physical contact.  That says more about her than it does me, and says a lot about the state of our marriage for nine years, and looking back now I can see how poor our relationship was – but back then it was all I knew, and its only subsequent relationships that have taught me this.

I started off this guest post thinking I’d be able to put a man’s perspective on these things and that that perspective might be opposite, but its really not.  If anything my experiences have shown that Sarah has it bang on.

I’ve enjoyed writing this guest post though.

I miss blogging.

My blog is gone, almost certainly never to return.

It ran its course. It told the story of my love life, from marital split and divorce, to dating again, horror stories and success stories, casual sex and one night stands, and the stories of my unusual relationships...and in the end I ran out of things to say about love and relationships.

I had plenty of other things to say, and I still do, but the blog and my Twitter ID needed a complete rebrand and I couldn’t be @Single_Man_75 any more.

So I stopped.

Just like that.

I’m still here though.

Look me up if you want... @therock7507

I don’t talk about love or relationships any more.  Maybe that’s because I’m happy and content and in a loving relationship, without doubt the best one I’ve ever been in.  I’ve been with my girlfriend now since mid January and we love each other immensely.  Its a long distance relationship so has its share of problems that are related to distance, but in every other aspect its now very healthy and strong – though its gone through some difficult patches while we have both adjusted to being in a long term relationship again after both being hurt in the past.

I guess its impossible to reach my grand old age without having some emotional baggage.

I could write several blogs about that, and getting used to being in a relationship again.

Maybe some day I will.

For now, I miss her when she’s not around, and feel genuinely sad when I say goodbye to her.  I never tire of talking to her and both of us are constantly doing little simple gestures to and for each other.

I’m in love again, and this time its for real.

And not once has the TV been on in the bedroom.  

There’s no time for TV in the bedroom these days.

Till next time...

{Do you have a TV in your bedroom?}

I've been having this discussion with a few of my friends this past week or so, with the jist being that we all feel that technology has a negative impact on relationships.

TV in the bedroom, yay or nay?
I grew up with no television in my bedroom (I vaguely remember about age 15 I had a black & white tune-in TV but it was rubbish and I didn't have it long). I was in my early 20s when I first had a TV in my bedroom but I was living on my own with my husband's parents (boyfriend at the time, and he was living elsewhere in Scotland!) and so it made sense to have a separate TV that I could watch.
When I then moved in with my husband (by which point he was my fiance) we continued to have a TV in the bedroom, but now looking back I think it was a bad decision and it had a definite negative impact on us. We watched far too much television and chose to sit in silence rather than communicating with each other.

At the moment I have a TV in my bedroom, mainly to keep the kids occupied whilst I get ready in the morning. When I move to my new house, there are going to be new rules and no televisions in bedrooms is one of them.

Laptop computers & tablet devices
I've never owned a laptop computer or a tablet device and I'm not sure that I ever will. I guess I'm quite old school in that respect.

My husband spent a lot of time on his laptop computer, and again, it meant that we weren't communicating with each other.

If I want to do something on the computer, I sit at my desk. If the kids want to play a computer game, we sit all together at the desk to play.

For a while I was letting my eldest play with my iPhone on the odd occasion, but I could see that he was becoming obsessed with it and as such he now doesn't get it at all.

Anyway, all this chat got me thinking about all the other things that I should have done differently in my marriage.

Don't go to bed alone
More often than not, my husband and I went to bed at different times. I struggled to stay up late and he was always up until the small hours working. Or if he did come to bed, I'd fall asleep and he'd stay up watching TV in our room.

I think we probably should have compromised and met somewhere in the middle.

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Speaking of meeting in the middle, we had a gigantic super king bed. Yes, we're both tall - but I'm not sure we needed so much space. I could stretch my arms out in bed and I wouldn't be able to reach my husband. Surely that's not right? I'm never buying a super king bed again.

Never go to sleep on an argument - really?
I've never been one for arguments, but for some reason my husband would want to have important discussions at some crazy hour before he went to sleep. I was always too tired and really struggled to focus and get my point across. I definitely think that it's better to wait until the morning and yes, go to sleep on an argument.

The grass is greener where you water it
Everyone should know that relationships are hard work. The more you put in, the more you get out.

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One of my pet hates was my husband swearing at me. It was the only thing I asked him not to do and it was the one thing he kept on doing. I don't think you should be calling your other half names, throwing things at them or swearing. Treat someone how you'd like to be treated in return.

There's also something to be said about small gestures. It's so nice to get a simple compliment, or a nice cup of tea made for you...and it doesn't cost a thing! Not saying there's anything wrong with flowers etc but you don't need to even go that far to make someone know they're special.

It's good to talk
Communication was one of our major downfalls. I think if there's something you want, then you should ask for it. There's no point letting things fester and build up into bigger deals than they originally were. It'll just make you angrier/upset. My downfall is that I'm fairly crap at talking about my feelings and prefer to communicate in writing.

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Having fun
I think it's important to have fun things that you do as a couple. It became a habit that we would stay in, every night, even if we didn't have the children. I think I'd forgotten how to have a laugh.

Equally, I think it's key to have your own hobbies and interests outside of your relationship. I've always been one for trying new classes or activities, but when the kids came along I stopped doing all these things and I do regret that.

What do you think? Does technology have a negative impact on relationships?

{Change}

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In just a week, everything seems to be clicking into place!

At the end of July I sold my house... I had no firm plans on where I was going to go (other than my friend Kath's house for a week or two!)... and things were a tiny bit stressful.

I started packing because I had just 6 weeks to vacate and I shared my tips for moving house here.

I had been viewing houses, seen a few I liked, but they were selling soooo quickly it was unreal.

And then I found a house that ticked nearly all the boxes... There was one other note of interest, but luckily for me they weren't in a position to make an offer... so I made an offer, which was declined... I increased it, but again it was rejected... and finally, after much deliberation, I increased my offer one last time and it was accepted!!!

Yippee - I have a house! It needs a bit of work, but it's ideal and I'm over the moon.

I'm already planning how I will decorate over on my Pinterest board 'For the Home'!! So exciting!!

I think the move is going to be emotional, and there have been tears shed already - there's still another 5 weeks to go before I actually have to move! 

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I sold the corner suite that was in the living room and I cried when it was taken away. I don't think I realised just how many bad memories I had associated with the sofa and it was relief in a way to get rid of it. 

I'm looking forward to a fresh start... new house, new beginnings!

{November}

Can you believe that it's November already!?! Not only November, but 6th November!!! Seriously... where has the time gone!?

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October was a busy, busy month... and thankfully things have quietened down now in the Glasgow Mummy house and we're getting back into our usual routine. 

The kids are with their dad three nights a week, and whilst I'm glad of the rest (I need it!) and the me-time (catching up on laundry, meeting friends for coffee, time at the gym...) I'm finding that I really miss them. I arrived at work this morning and my colleague was filling me in on the lovely day she had with her daughter at the zoo and I nearly started crying at my desk. Don't get me wrong, it's such hard work with an 18 month old and a 3 year old... they're at that awkward age where they're yet to become good company and I struggle to do certain outings with them on my own. But I feel a bit lost when they're not around, so I'm finding that I'm keeping myself busy to keep my mind off things. Yesterday though I actually put my feet up and had a proper rest - I watched Alfie (Jude Law - yes please!) and then Dirty Dancing. I think that's why I'm feeling a bit 'meh' today... I had too much time to think yesterday!

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In other news I'm getting a cat... yes, you read right - a cat! I'm thinking it might help cure my loneliness. Although we'll have to see how I go as I'm allergic to cats (I know, I think I might be a bit insane at the moment! haha!!). My sister has two cats, called Pickle & Onion. I had initially planned to get a cute little brown cat and call it Branston (awww!) but Ali has offered to let me take Onion for a while rather than commit to a new cat. Pickle & Onion don't get on terribly well, so we're thinking Onion will be less grumpy when he's with me, and away from Pickle! Watch this space to see how we get on...!!! 

{To Love Somebody}

As I mentioned in my previous post, one of my best friends Steph got married yesterday.

I travelled up from Glasgow to Inverness with one of my other best friends, Claire, and her husband. It was an early start as we had to leave at 8am to ensure we got there on time and I was subsequently up at 6am to make a start on my hair & make-up (false eyelashes to be applied etc!!).

My travel outfit: Ombre Print Knitted Top from M&S, Jacket by Ted Baker and Salsa Jeans from House of Fraser

The rain unfortunately hampered plans for them getting married on the lawn, but the sun did appear later in the day. The kid's dad, who is very good friends with the groom, was also in attendance at the wedding and had been asked to sing a song with his guitar whilst the register was signed (he used to be in a band and has sung before at someone's wedding, so he can actually sing). Thankfully, the layout of the room meant that I didn't need to look at him (as he sang 'To Love Somebody'....with the words 'I live and breathe for you, but what good does it do, if I ain't got you, ain't got you'...) and I just focussed myself on watching the happy couple. This was the first wedding I had attended since the failure of my own marriage, and I did find it a bit sad listening to the celebrant. Both the bride and groom had written letters to each other and they put these into a box during the ceremony along with a bottle of wine. The celebrant advised them that marriages are tough and that at any point they can open the box, drink the wine, read their letters and be reminded of their wedding day, or if they don't need it before, they can open the box at their 10 year wedding anniversary. My husband and I made it to 4 years...

Anyway, all in all it was a fantastic day. I had lots of fun, copious amounts of G&T was consumed, I was dragged round the dance floor to the ceilidh music, managed to avoid conversation with my drunken ex and fell into bed at midnight, utterly exhausted!

With the gorgeous bride, Steph (wearing her something borrowed - my diamante necklace)

This massive inflatable was on the lawn at the wedding venue... and yes, I went down it.... 

...wearing this --->

My wedding outfit: Dress by Karen Millen

{4, not 3}

According to my son, he is turning 4, not 3! His actual birthday is tomorrow, but today we had a little party with his cousin's at his daddy's house. It's been a long, emotional day and I left the party first, with tears welling up in my eyes as I went. I found it a bit difficult. All the immediate family from his side were there plus me and despite nothing being said about the whole situation, I could feel the tension (maybe it was my imagination!?) and felt a bit awkward. I came back to my empty house, wiped away the tears and hit the gym! (About time too you might say!). I'm currently sat at my desk with a cup of tea in hand and I'm planning on having an early night - I need to catch up on sleep and prepare myself for the week ahead.

I thought I'd share a couple of the photographs in case you didn't happen to spot them in my Twitter feed. I had bought my son a very cool t-shirt (I think so anyway!) for his birthday that has his name across the front, as such I'm not sharing any photographs of him, but here is his little sister in her party dress!

Pointing at a 'birdie'

She *loved* all the balloons!!

An example of the t-shirt I bought my son by Flaming Imp