The Key to a Happy Relationship?

I heard a snippet on the radio the other week from a couple celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary (can't remember exactly the number of years, but it was a lot!). They said that they key to their successful marriage was arguing.

R & I are yet to have an argument, or even a disagreement for that matter. Not sure if that's a good or a bad sign!

In a relationship where there isn't even a heated conversation, it apparently could be that one or both parties don't feel safe enough to express themselves. I totally understand that, and I can appreciate that you may be in a relationship where it's difficult to be honest. Thankfully though this doesn't apply to me now (& I hope it doesn't apply to R either!).

Is this really true?

I'm not a confrontational person and think I'm generally quite laid back. I'd say I'm open and honest with everyone that crosses my path. And R is laid back too. So perhaps that's why we've not had any fights - it's against our individual personalities.

We've been in a couple of stressful situations, like when we got locked out of the house, and I had thought if we were going to argue that'd be when it would have happened. But it didn't. We managed to keep calm, organised a lock smith to come out to the house & even went for an ice cream whilst we waited! (R had to go & get the ice cream as I was in my nightshirt...oops!). Now we look back on it & have a laugh. How on earth did we manage to both leave without keys :-/

And I think moving forward that we may potentially have (hopefully small) bumps in the road as we try to blend our lives together (more on this another time I think, but suffice to say things are going well!). I am confident that we will be able to have rational discussions without the need to argue. It's definitely good to talk. This is one of the lessons I learned from my past.

I couldn't agree more!

One other thing I have learned is not to bottle things up and let resentment and anger set in - everything will be blown out of proportion. It's best to raise your issue early. It's also important to listen. There are two sides to every story.

So tell me, what are your thoughts - is it really healthy for a relationship to be arguing all the time? 

{Children and Technology}

I was at a BBQ in Aberdeen a few months ago with the kids. I had arrived prepared with a handful of Lego & sticker books to keep them amused as I wasn't sure how old the other children would be. My kids are happy to make conversation with grown ups and they sat beautifully at the table with my sister & I discussing Star Wars, Lego and computer games with us and the other adults.

My son asked my permission to go and talk to one of the other slightly older boys at the party. He went over & said Hi and tried to strike up a conversation about Star Wars. The boy was wearing a Star Wars jacket you see. 

But my son was ignored a bit :-( and the other boy wasn't interested in playing.

There was a group of the older kids, maybe 6-9 years old, and they were all silent...too busy playing on their iPads. None of them were making conversation and I thought it was so sad. 

By the end of the evening my son was sat next to the boy in the Star Wars jacket watching him play Minecraft over his shoulder. The conversation was one-sided though.

{image source}

When I was 9 years old our game of choice when the grown-ups were partying at BBQs or other get togethers was hide n'seek in the dark. The person that was 'it' wore a pair of sunglasses with lights on them so those that were hiding could see when they were near and it kept us amused for hours on end.

My faith was restored though when we went to another BBQ, this time it was outside Edinburgh. My son found a boy that was about 7 and the two of them hit it off. They spent hours running around, doing role play & making up silly games. No technology in sight. 

Don't get me wrong, I think iPads or other tablet devices have their place, but I can't help but feel it's had a massive negative impact on communication (not just the children I might add!!).

I own a Kindle Fire (that the kids still aren't aware of!) and I don't have a laptop. I'm keen to keep it that way, for now at least.

{image source}

What are your thoughts?

{Co-parenting}

I like to think that the kids dad and I have good working relationship when it comes to the co-parenting. I was unable to rely on him as a partner, but thankfully still able to rely on him as a parent. Initially I wasn't very trusting, but I'm hoping that I've improved - at least where the parenting is concerned.

The children have adapted well to the new arrangements and I think this is helped by the fact that their dad and I communicate well.

I've been asked by some other single parents how I've managed this, and I'm not sure there is a secret to share. I guess a lot of it comes down to our personalities - I think I'm a relatively laid back person (do let me know if you disagree!). I'm very proud of myself with how I've dealt with the situation over the past 2 years or so.

Littlest as a baby :)

Immediately after the split I had the children 6 nights a week as he had moved back into his parents house and he wasn't able to take them any more than that. Once he moved into his own rented house, he increased the number of nights and we're now at a 50/50 split. I certainly would never try and stop him seeing the children, which I've heard happen in some cases. He's their father and I'm very happy that he's playing an active role in their upbringing.

The arrangement for the weekends isn't ideal and we both know this will need to change before August when our son starts school. At the moment the kids are with their dad 6 out of every 8 weekend days. The reason for this is that I'm off work on a Thursday and Friday so I spend all day with them then (although it's mainly spent going to classes, swimming lessons, nursery drop-offs/pick-ups etc). I'm hoping that we can move to an even split soon and this is under discussion.

Outside of the day-to-day arrangements, we have shared birthday parties for the kids where my family and his will get together to celebrate, eat cake etc. We're currently in the process of organising a party for the littlest who turns 3 in April.

I was at his house on Christmas morning to see the kids open their presents from Santa.

Christmas morning 2013

When he picks the kids up, or vice versa, we'll sometimes have a quick cup of tea or whatever and catch up.

Initially I was of the opinion that doing things just the four of us was confusing for the kids, but I'm now glad that we did and I do think it is in their best interests that we can do things together.

I've just recently set up a shared calendar to allow us to view appointments, school holidays etc. This was suggested to me by another single mum and I'm hoping that it will further improve our communication.

I'm learning that if I'm not happy with something, rather than bottling it up I will make a telephone call to their dad to discuss. Likewise, I think he'd do the same.

We had a chat over the phone before R met the kids. We didn't agree, but we at least discussed it.

I personally prefer email as a means of communication. It allows me to consider my words carefully, and I can walk away and come back to it prior to sending if need be. But the negative point is that emails and texts may be taken the wrong way. (I personally tend to read out emails in my head prior to sending them to make sure they read ok).

What's difficult is dealing with questions from the kids, and my son who is now 4.5 years old is now asking why his mum and dad live in different houses whereas his other friends have a mummy and daddy in the same house. Whereas previously it was just accepted.

I replied and said that some mummies and daddies live together and some live separately, and that both was ok. I also texted their dad to tell him about this because then if he gets the same questions he'll know how I responded.

What are your thoughts, and do you have any tips for amicable co-parenting?