Relationships - Then I Drew This Line

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There has been lots of correspondence between the lawyers.

The minute of agreement has been drafted and agreed.

I feel like I have finally been able to draw an important line underneath my marriage.

Relationships, Marriage & Children

I've been giving a lot of thought to the future lately and what might lay ahead for me...

I was purposely trying not to plan, but it's just to difficult for me not to. I'm a planner, that's just my personality and who I am. So many questions and things to think about...

Could I get married again? Would I have more children? 

The marriage thing I'm not sure about. Yes, I had a bad first experience and am now waiting to get divorced. But I still believe in love and perhaps I would get married again. 

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The children thing I'm more certain on. I don't want any more kids (eek, that's it out there in black and white!). There are a whole heap of reasons... physically and emotionally I don't think I could manage. I had obstetric cholestasis with both pregnancies and thankfully had two healthy babies. I just don't know that I could face the stress and worry of another pregnancy. My son arrived at 33 weeks spontaneously and the doctors were concerned that my second could arrive even earlier. Thankfully I managed to get to 37 weeks before being induced. I also suffered emotionally afterwards and struggled to enjoy parenthood. Despite friends saying it would perhaps be different with a more supportive partner, I'm not sure that that would be the case.

I also don't think I would like to have my current two kids with me 50% of the time, with another baby with me 100% of the time. I just don't feel that it would be fair. I very much wanted my children and I don't want them to feel left out. I didn't have children to only have them with me 50% of the time and I really struggle with this, even now, and this has been the routine now for some time.

Finally, as selfish as this may seem and probably contradicts what I've said above, I do enjoy my time to myself without the kids. Yes, this was not how I imagined my life turning out being divorced in my 30s but I do have a good balance of work, play, family-time and me-time.

I hope that I've been up front with Rick from the start of our relationship on my feelings but it's not something we've discussed in great detail. I'm asking a lot from him... by choosing to stay with me, he would be choosing to not have children of his own. I don't think he's given this enough thought and I've asked him to give this some serious consideration before we think about taking the next step... perhaps moving in together. I don't know what will happen if he decides that in actual fact he does want to have children of his own.

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Relationships - What's in a Name?

Rick has told me that the one thing he would change about me is my surname.

I still have my married surname, despite being separated for over 3 years. To be honest, I hadn't even given it much thought until he mentioned it.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose

{Photography by me!}

I kept the name because I wanted to have the same surname as my kids. I guess I could have asked to double-barrell the kids current surname with my maiden name, but you need the consent of everyone with parental responsibility for this.

Then there's also the issue of my PhD which is also in my married name. I'm not sure that I could still use it if I changed my name? (Does anyone have any experience of this?).

My sister is now separated and very quickly she changed back to her maiden name (you don't have to wait until your divorce is final to revert back) - but there are no kids involved which makes it easier.

I set up a new bank account after the separation and my ex did ask me what name it was under - I think he thought I would have started using my maiden name. Aside from this it hasn't been mentioned. I do wonder what he thinks of it though and perhaps he would want me to change it. Perhaps his partner would want me to change it too because then if and when they get married there would be the two of us with the same surname which may make things complicated at the school or whatever.

My current thoughts are that I could drop my surname altogether like Prince and just be 'Sarah'. Would that work??!

I think one circumstance in which I would reconsider my surname would be if I were to get remarried. Even then I don't know what I would do because I would still like to have a link with the kids in some way.

{Guest Post}

I'm not even going to introduce this guest post, as he's written his own wee intro. Read on...

I read and enjoyed @Glasgow_Mummy ‘s blog post called Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

It reminded me of the type of blog post I used to do, and when @Glasgow_Mummy offered me the chance to do a response / guest post, I jumped at the chance.

You see, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I used to blog.

I used to blog a lot.

I’d talk about relationships, and marital problems, and dating dilemmas, and fatherhood issues, and rant about all manner of things.

You might have read it.

It was called The Life of a Single Man.

I’m @Single_Man_75

Or I used to be.

I haven’t been @Single_Man_75 since early April now.  A lot of things prompted me to lose that identity and nowadays I reside on Twitter under a less anonymous account.  If you want to look me up, I’m @therock7507 and my name is Gary.

So I figure I need to respond to Sarah’s post.  She started by asking if we have TVs in our bedroom.

So do I?

Yes I do.  I always have, from when I was a child.  I can’t recall when I got one, but it probably dated from when I got my first computer, maybe aged 8.  For a long time all I did was play computer games on it and nothing else, but as I became a teenager then I started watching TV up in my room.

I blame this for the slow development of my social skills.

In fact I still have a severe lack of social skills, as those who have met me will attest. (I disagree!!)

I used to watch a hell of a lot of TV in my room as a teenager.  In fact, I barely went out.

So it seemed natural to have a TV in my room when I moved out to go to University and later to move in with the woman who became my wife.  She had also had a TV in her room for a long time and we regularly watched TV.

It wasn’t a good marriage, as some of you who read my blogs on the subject may remember.  Like Sarah says, having a TV in the bedroom can hinder communication in a relationship, and I’d certainly subscribe to that view.

TV often became the only thing we’d do in the bedroom.

Yes you read that right.  And the things you’re thinking right now, they’re right too.

So when my kids have been growing up, I’ve steadfastly refused to allow them to have TVs in their bedroom.  I just won’t do it.

I still have a TV in my bedroom but the only time its on is when the kids come into bed with me in a morning.

In relationships I’ve had since my divorce, I’ve found that the women involved don’t like the TV and so we’ve never lay there and watched it.

In short, we’ve found other things to do in the bedroom.

Yes you read that right.  And the things you’re thinking right now, they’re right too.

Sarah also asks about laptops and tablet devices.  I have both.  The tablet is a new thing and comes via my work, but I can’t imagine life without it.  I’m almost permanently attached to it.

But I agree with Sarah about laptops – during the worst times of my marriage, going on the laptop became, for her more than me but definitely for both of us, an escape route.  It meant we didn’t have to spend time together and, in doing so, we drifted apart.

The same is true of Sarah’s next point about going to bed alone.  When my then wife was using the laptop, usually on Facebook, she would stay up late to chat to friends (and the person who she eventually cheated on me with) – and I’d go to bed alone, resenting this.

Its not the same as going to bed on an argument, which is something I’ve never done (as I can’t leave an argument alone until I know its over and done with), but I take the point.

Most of these mistakes were mistakes in my marriage, and I haven’t repeated them in subsequent relationships thankfully.

@Glasgow_Mummy is right – grass is greener where you water it.  Simple gestures make a huge difference.  I remember my ex wife very rarely did any little gestures, either gifts or little verbal encouragers, or physical contact.  That says more about her than it does me, and says a lot about the state of our marriage for nine years, and looking back now I can see how poor our relationship was – but back then it was all I knew, and its only subsequent relationships that have taught me this.

I started off this guest post thinking I’d be able to put a man’s perspective on these things and that that perspective might be opposite, but its really not.  If anything my experiences have shown that Sarah has it bang on.

I’ve enjoyed writing this guest post though.

I miss blogging.

My blog is gone, almost certainly never to return.

It ran its course. It told the story of my love life, from marital split and divorce, to dating again, horror stories and success stories, casual sex and one night stands, and the stories of my unusual relationships...and in the end I ran out of things to say about love and relationships.

I had plenty of other things to say, and I still do, but the blog and my Twitter ID needed a complete rebrand and I couldn’t be @Single_Man_75 any more.

So I stopped.

Just like that.

I’m still here though.

Look me up if you want... @therock7507

I don’t talk about love or relationships any more.  Maybe that’s because I’m happy and content and in a loving relationship, without doubt the best one I’ve ever been in.  I’ve been with my girlfriend now since mid January and we love each other immensely.  Its a long distance relationship so has its share of problems that are related to distance, but in every other aspect its now very healthy and strong – though its gone through some difficult patches while we have both adjusted to being in a long term relationship again after both being hurt in the past.

I guess its impossible to reach my grand old age without having some emotional baggage.

I could write several blogs about that, and getting used to being in a relationship again.

Maybe some day I will.

For now, I miss her when she’s not around, and feel genuinely sad when I say goodbye to her.  I never tire of talking to her and both of us are constantly doing little simple gestures to and for each other.

I’m in love again, and this time its for real.

And not once has the TV been on in the bedroom.  

There’s no time for TV in the bedroom these days.

Till next time...

{Broken, Part II}

In August I confronted him, but he denied it.

I knew he was lying... but I didn't have any evidence. 

On 23rd of December, 2011 - I knew for sure.

On 28th of December, 2011 - I told him I knew.

On 29th of December, 2011 - I asked him to leave.

I'm starting 2012 as a single parent and there is a lot of change ahead. I'm excited, nervous, worried, scared... but I know I am stronger now and I can do this.