I've been giving a lot of thought to the future lately and what might lay ahead for me...
I was purposely trying not to plan, but it's just to difficult for me not to. I'm a planner, that's just my personality and who I am. So many questions and things to think about...
Could I get married again? Would I have more children?
The marriage thing I'm not sure about. Yes, I had a bad first experience and am now waiting to get divorced. But I still believe in love and perhaps I would get married again.
The children thing I'm more certain on. I don't want any more kids (eek, that's it out there in black and white!). There are a whole heap of reasons... physically and emotionally I don't think I could manage. I had obstetric cholestasis with both pregnancies and thankfully had two healthy babies. I just don't know that I could face the stress and worry of another pregnancy. My son arrived at 33 weeks spontaneously and the doctors were concerned that my second could arrive even earlier. Thankfully I managed to get to 37 weeks before being induced. I also suffered emotionally afterwards and struggled to enjoy parenthood. Despite friends saying it would perhaps be different with a more supportive partner, I'm not sure that that would be the case.
I also don't think I would like to have my current two kids with me 50% of the time, with another baby with me 100% of the time. I just don't feel that it would be fair. I very much wanted my children and I don't want them to feel left out. I didn't have children to only have them with me 50% of the time and I really struggle with this, even now, and this has been the routine now for some time.
Finally, as selfish as this may seem and probably contradicts what I've said above, I do enjoy my time to myself without the kids. Yes, this was not how I imagined my life turning out being divorced in my 30s but I do have a good balance of work, play, family-time and me-time.
I hope that I've been up front with Rick from the start of our relationship on my feelings but it's not something we've discussed in great detail. I'm asking a lot from him... by choosing to stay with me, he would be choosing to not have children of his own. I don't think he's given this enough thought and I've asked him to give this some serious consideration before we think about taking the next step... perhaps moving in together. I don't know what will happen if he decides that in actual fact he does want to have children of his own.
Blimey. It's a lot to think about isn't it? I think though that if he wants to be with you, knowing the medical implications of pregnancy he could understand why not having any more babies is probably the sensible thing and that could outweigh any need he may have for children of his own. It's all so tricky! Hugs x
ReplyDeleteThanks Donna. Yes, it's so tough being a grown-up!! x
DeleteI can completely understand your concerns about having more children. I think Rick knows and understands how you feel about it but your right to make sure he has fully considered it before taking things further. God who knew life was going to be so tricky eh?
ReplyDeleteLauren
livinginaboxx
Being a grown-up sucks sometimes! So much to think about and consider! Must catch up soon x
DeleteWell...I think I wrote a similar blog about two and a half years ago. At the time I think my views on marriage were...no thanks, done that and didn't like it. And at the time I think my views on more children were identical to yours, I even used the words NO WAY.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet here I am, two and a half years later, with a seven month old baby with my partner and planning our wedding in August 2016.
I fully understand your thoughts and indeed expressed almost identical ones myself two and a half years ago, but I'm testimony to how much things can change and the fact that one should NEVER say never.
Gary x
Yes, very true Gary!! I remember your original post as well! How are the wedding plans going? Sx
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