So for today's #ShareAdvent prompt, Childhood memories, I thought I'd share a recent discussion I had with my ex regarding my children and their childhood memories.
Apparently the situation with Gavin, my ex boyfriend, has scarred the children (not sure that was the actual words he used, but it was something along those lines) and that they still talk about him (they've mentioned his name once in front of me since June). Gavin came on a short holiday with the kids and myself (although there were other people there, like my cousin and my sister for parts of the trip) and the ex is of the opinion that I've ruined their memories of their first holiday. I did explain that Gavin was introduced as a friend and we weren't in physical contact with each other in front of the kids. Have I really ruined their memories? I'm not sure I agree. I can't even remember any holidays I went on when I was 6 or 7, let alone what I was doing between the ages of 2-4 years old.
I gave it considerable thought before Gavin met the kids, and it didn't work out. It was my decision to end things. I'm now in a position where I'd like my new boyfriend, R (who I have been seeing for 5 months) to meet them, but the ex thinks I'm being selfish and it's not in their best interests.
I know the situation is far from ideal and I didn't see myself being a separated single mummy. But I want to move on. Obviously I don't want to do anything to jeopardise the children's wellbeing or safety etc but is it selfish that I want R to meet them? They're a massive part of me and my life.
Would appreciate any relevant comments or suggestions on this, from either point of view.
I think if you want to introduce your children to your new boyfriend it is absolutely fine. I think you have been very sensible. You've already waited for a significant amount of time before deciding so it's clear you haven't made the decision lightly & you must believe that the relationship has a future to take this step. It's a tough decision and it's not fair for anyone else to make it harder for you or try and make you feel guilty about your decision. You deserve to be happy and to move on with your life. You're a great mummy & I know you always think about the best interests of your children. I really hope everything goes well & I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.
ReplyDeleteThanks Marilynn :)
DeleteIt can be a tough decision this one for single parents, you do seem like a sensible, well balanced woman and a thoughtful and caring mother, all these qualities will amount to you making a decision that you feel is right for you and your children at this time. I think it can be hard for the ex to a) watch the person they were once with move on and b) feel comfortable about another adult having a close relationship with their children and doing things they won't be, never the less this is an emotional issue that's their responsibility to manage, I can see though it's being put on to you a bit which is a shame... As long as you are not endangering, harming or disrupting their well being by introducing him then it seems like a logical and natural thing to do. You are entitled to go on and form other meaningful relationships, it's unrealistic to keep them away from your children when they become serious and from their point of view exposing them to diversity in families will only help them adapt to this ever changing world where family means more than mum and dad and 2.4 children... If it would help your ex you could look I to healthy ways to introduce a new partner and maybe find some books on this kind of situation to help the kids get their head around it more, I know a great website that has these types of books if you are interested! I say good for you, you are moving with your life, you deserve to have love and happiness again just because things didn't work out with their dad, the important thing here is setting examples of good healthy relationships and many of them and I believe you are doing that, you are entitled to look after your needs too, good luck! (PS sorry for epic reply!)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for such a considered response. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment Karen. Would love to hear of your website suggestion if it's not too much bother. Sarah :)
DeleteI don't think they will remember Gavin and if they do it don't dawn on them till their at least a teenager that he was more than mummy's friend. Kids are so resilent, you're ex I'd just being an ass, if you think it's right time to introduce him go ahead
ReplyDeleteThanks Lauren :)
DeleteI had a boyfriend which Half Pint spent a lot of time with between the ages of 18m and 4yrs...he has never mentioned him since he was about 4.5yrs. I also had another boyfriend when he was a little older who I broke up with a few months after his 5th birthday...he also never mentions him.
ReplyDeleteMeeting people is part of growing up, and it sounds as if Gavin was not introduced to them any differently than a female friend would have been so I fail to see your ex's point of view there. You seem to have gone about it the best way possible.
I think hiding relationships can sometimes be worse on the children, as it doesn't take much for them to suss out that mummy has another life that they aren't being included in.
Thank you for commenting. At the moment it's very much two separate lives, and I do feel ready to merge them a bit. Good to hear your experiences too - thanks for sharing :)
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