I wish I had said goodbye

This is my final diary excerpt. You'll find the previous parts here, here and here.

"Dad had hurt his back and was unable to drive – but I was told not to tell mum.  So because I wasn’t working I was the designated driver, and I was taking gran out to the hospice, and also dad and Alison.

Alison had her sixth year ball, and so she had spent all afternoon getting all dressed up for it.  I drove her out to the hospice so that mum could see her, and then I took Ali to her friend’s house to take some photographs.  I was filling my mum’s shoes and it was difficult.  I remember my prom, and mum was there with my friends mums.  We were all drinking a wee glass of fizz before being waved off. I think Ali must have found it really hard with me as a substitute.

In terms of mum’s care, as far as I was aware, it was good.  However, I would have liked to have been informed more of what was happening.  Ali and I were taken into a separate room one time we visited by one of the nurses because mum was in a bad way and didn’t know who dad was and dad didn’t want us to see her like that.  The nurse asked us if we had any questions – but we both just said no.  Whereas I think if they had taken us one at a time and asked us if we had questions, the reply might have been different.

Mum’s condition progressively worsened, and she was transferred to a room on her own.  She was getting so thin – it was really horrible to watch.  She couldn’t eat anymore, and the only thing she could take was small spoons of ice.  How the tables had turned, and it was now me that was spoon-feeding my mother.  Conversation was still difficult, but mum was tired a lot and she couldn’t really hold much of a conversation anymore.

I remember being there in the room with gran, and mum was still asleep – and with time she woke up.  But I don’t think she knew who we were.  And she was hallucinating – grabbing at things, and staring into the wall and mumbling – nothing was there."

And that's where the diary stops... but basically it was shortly thereafter that she died. I didn't say goodbye, and she was on her own when she died. I wish things had been done differently. 

I saw a Cruse Bereavement counsellor for a while which certainly helped, but nothing takes the pain away of losing a parent.

I miss her every day.