{No light at the end of the tunnel}

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I feel sad.

I feel lost.

I'm tired... physically and emotionally.

I feel nauseous and ill (partly my own fault because I've not been taking my Crohn's medication).

I am lacking in energy (today I went to running club, managed to jog 2 miles and then walked 2 miles back to my car with tears streaming down my face. I was supposed to do at least 8.5 miles today as part of my half marathon training).

I don't feel like eating.

What happened to my light at the end of the tunnel?

{Crohn's Disease}

For those of you that have seen the move Bridesmaids, you'll remember the hilarious scene where Lillian and the girls get food poisoning and they all literally poop their pants. I too have been there *hangs head in shame* and it really wasn't that funny! The reason was not food poisoning, it was because of the chronic condition that I have, Crohn's Disease...... 

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For those of you that haven't heard of it before, Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis are inflammatory bowel diseases. They can occur at any age and there is no known cure. I've had a quick look at some statistics on the National Association for Colitis and Crohn's Disease website (NACC) and it turns out that ulcerative colitis affects approximately 1 person in every 500 in the UK and Crohn's Disease is about 1 person in every 1000. The symptoms of the conditions tend to be bloody diarrhoea, pain, tiredness and loss of weight but the severity fluctuates so patients are likely to have periods of remission as well as periods of flare-ups.

It annoys me when someone finds out I have Crohn's Disease or IBD and then they mention that they too have irritable bowels or IBS. It's totally different and not the same at all. IBS isn't a dangerous condition, there's no obvious abnormality and it's really common. IBS can sometimes be relieved with diet and lifestyle changes whereas I'm having to take potent immunosuppressant tablets every day. (Sorry, bit of a rant I know, but it really is rather annoying!).

Anyway, I thought I'd share my story here in the hope that it might help somebody out there...

I was 21 years old when I was diagnosed with IBD. I was working in Edinburgh at the time doing a year's work placement and life was a bit stressful. My mum had recently passed away, I was living away from home for the first time and was struggling financially. For a couple of days I'd had a really dodgy tummy, and I couldn't think of anything that I'd eaten that would have caused it. I put it to the back of my mind and carried on as normal. However, a few months later, I had the same symptoms again. I went to the doctor and he asked me to hand back in a stool sample. It came back negative and I think then the next time I got the symptoms the GP did a blood test to check my thyroid, which also came back normal. By this point I was getting the symptoms frequently. I was exhausted, starting to lose weight, and no joke - I was probably going to the toilet about 40 times a day. I didn't like going to new places as I was always concerned that I wouldn't be able to find the bathroom. I was sent home from work a couple of times, I nearly fainted a few times, and once I was bleeding a lot from my bum which was really scary. The urgency that was associated with going to the toilet was awful... hence the mention of the Bridesmaids scene above. Thankfully, this didn't happen to me when I was out in public... I was in my own home in my pyjamas, but still, not nice!

I was finally referred to the hospital gastroenterology department and after a quick examination it was decided I needed further investigation. I then had a colonoscopy done. I'm not going to lie - it was not pleasant. They didn't manage to get round my colon very far with the tube as I was so badly inflamed at the time. I was informed that I had an inflammatory bowel disease and given a prescription for steroid tablets. At the time, they were unable to distinguish between Crohn's and Colitis and still to this day I don't know which one it is that I have, but the treatment tends to be the same.

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The steroids were horrible, and I was on them for about 11 months. I wasn't sleeping, I was eating loads.... I got the typical steroid 'moon face'... and when I look back at photos I just look horrendous (I tried to find some photos of me to show you, but don't have any digitally and my scanner isn't working - not an excuse, honest!). It was a a difficult time, but eventually the consultants did manage to get my symptoms under control, and touch wood, I've been relatively healthy since with no major flare-ups. I was put onto a few different maintenance tablets (steroids are a quick fix and they aren't for long-term treatment), but was found to be allergic to them.

We finally found a treatment that worked for me and I've now been on azathioprine for what must be nearly 8 years. I continued to take the tablets whilst I was pregnant with both of my children, and I think this may be the cause of the obstetric cholestasis I experienced. To the outside world I look healthy, but I think I'll probably be taking these tablets for the rest of my life in order to manage the symptoms of the disease.

May 2012 is Crohn's and Colitis Month. This year the topic is Sport & Fitness. Thankfully, despite having Crohn's Disease, I've been able to get in shape and will be participating in a half marathon during the month of May (I'm raising money for Macmillan Cancer Support with my sister in memory of our mum). There are a lot of people with Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis who suffer terribly. I'm one of the lucky ones. The disease hasn't impacted on my life in a dramatic way and it hasn't stopped me from doing anything. I hope I continue to stay healthy...

{Meet Ruby... Oobicoo doll review}

Scotland's biggest baby & toddler event is happening this weekend at the SECC, 27th - 29th April. It looks to be a good day out - there are lots of exciting activities for babies and toddlers; expert advice and information; a free creche (boost!) and a load of interesting exhibitors.

I was at a Bloggers Breakfast last week with my daughter (toddler stayed with Granda & Nanny Jo - just as well as he would have caused mayhem!) to find out about some of the exhibitors and we were given a few products to review.

My daughter and I were given a fab soft toy doll, Oobicoo. The doll is 60cm tall (the average size of a six month old baby!) and is designed to wear out-grown baby clothes. Our Olwyn Oobicoo doll was an instant hit with my daughter, aged 1 year old. The doll is intended for age 3+ and this is due to the long curly hair of the girl version as it may be a strangling hazard. I felt that it was ok for my son (aged 2.5 years) and daughter to play with her under supervision.

As soon as we brought our doll home, my son was desperate to have a shot and immediately suggested we put her jacket on! We decided to call our doll Ruby, and here she is...

I think the doll will encourage my son to learn about dressing himself, how to do up poppers, buttons etc. He has been chatting away about Ruby.... he even told me that Ruby had done a poo (when really it was him!!). So she did become an instant little 'best friend', just as the marketing material for the doll suggests. 

He had great fun with her for a couple of days, however, my son did get a bit bored of her and Ruby has been left snuggled in his bed untouched. This is probably a reflection of his age though.

The dolls retail at £44.99, and if I'm honest, I'm not sure I'd pay that much for one. Totseat, the company behind the Oobicoo dolls, are however raising funds for the Children's Immunology Fund through the sale of each doll and the dolls are manufactured from recycled and recyclable materials. 

The doll's nose feels like metal under the fabric, and I suspect that the material will wear thin very quickly in that area. But that's perhaps just me being pernickety and I haven't had the doll long enough to discover if that is the case. I also wasn't overly impressed with the Oobicoo packaging. I appreciate that the use of a fabric pod means that there is less packaging, saves a cardboard box etc but I think a little sleeping bag rather than the pod design would work better. Our pod has been ditched by the toddler, whereas, I think if it was easier for him to use and put her in, then he would have been more inclined to keep it. If I've time I might make her a little sleeping bag!

Oobicoo Ollie

My sister found the doll a little creepy, sort of like Chucky from Child's Play. She snuck up to the kids bedroom as I was getting them organised for bed at the weekend and stuck Ruby's head out from behind their bedroom door. What a fright I got! This has freaked me out a little as I was terrified of Chucky as a child!! 

Chucky

Despite the negative points that I've mentioned, I am genuinely very impressed with the doll and the concept... I'm just not convinced I would actually spend £44.99 on this product. That said, I think my children are possibly a little bit too young at the moment to appreciate Ruby fully and I'm sure in a year from now my son will be more interested in her.

What are your thoughts on the Oobicoo dolls.... good idea, or a little bit creepy?

{Things I'm Loving Right Now}

Running

I'm finding that I'm getting back into running. The nice weather is helping lots, as is some better music on my playlist. What a difference in my pace when I have some upbeat tunes to listen to! This week I ran 4 miles on Wednesday evening, 5 miles on Friday evening and then on Sunday morning, even after getting in at 3am from a girl's night out on Saturday, I managed 5.35 miles at running club! My fitness levels are improving and I'm hoping that I will be able to achieve a good time when I run the Half Marathon in May.

Painted Nails

As per my 35 at 35 list, I've continued to keep my nails looking nice. My mum always swore by the mantra 'look good, feel good' and I do find that if my hair is nice, my nails are painted and I've got a bit of make-up on I feel much better about myself and feel more confident. Yesterday I treated myself to a new nail polish, and I'll be doing my nails this week in preparation for my daughter's first birthday party at the weekend.

Gardening

I'm rather enjoying a spot of gardening! I headed off to B&Q the other week and got some helpful advice from one of their members of staff about planting shrubs in pots. I bought a couple of troughs and a few square pots which I have now filled with some plants (I can't remember the name of them though, memory like a sieve!). My son and I also potted some herbs in one of the troughs, and he had fun throwing about the compost! I also had a paintbrush out again and have started to give my fence a lick of paint in preparation for the summer months.

{Packing away the steriliser...}

My little baby daughter turns one in exactly 1 week... just 7 days to go! The other day I gave her cow's milk in her bottle as I'm nearing the end of the box of formula, and today I'm packing away the steriliser. I was very much looking forward to reaching this milestone... no more formula milk and no more sterilising... but on reflection, I shouldn't have been wishing her baby days over so quickly and I'm rather sad that she's nearly a toddler (she's cruising round furniture now and I'm sure it won't be long until she's toddling about!) and not my little baby anymore.

Today was also another milestone - her first trip in a big girl car seat!

She's becoming very independent - wants to feed herself and desperate to get up on her feet to join in with her big brother. It's lovely to watch them play together, hide and seek is a favourite with my bedroom curtains!

On Saturday we are having an afternoon tea party for the birthday girl - do come back here to see the photographs from the day and find out more about the birthday cake (I'm making it myself, with a little help from Mrs Jones, as part of my 35 at 35 list).

I thought I'd share a few of her photographs from the last year...

An hour old!

First trip to Aberdeen to visit my family

First taste of food

Tummy time

Worn out after all the excitement at Christmas in her LBD

Sitting up unaided for the first time

In a trolley for the first time (not looking very impressed!)

First time in a swing

Making a mess with yoghurt!

Climbing up stairs last weekend for the first time!

{Fabulous Finds: iPhone Apps for Kids}

I thought I would share some of the apps that I have downloaded on my iPhone, specifically those for toddlers. For a while my son was literally obsessed with my iPhone and I couldn't even take a call without him screaming his head off to have a shot. However, he seems to have calmed down now and will happily play a game for 5-10 minutes and then give it back to me...phew! Here are his favourite apps at the moment:

Toca Boca Helicopter Taxi

My son loves to fly his little helicopter round the house! The brilliance of this app is that it's not a game... it just turns the iPhone into a little helicopter. 

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Kidztory

These interactive stories are fantastic, our current favourite is 'The Lion & The Mouse'. To start with I had to turn the pages myself for my son (it would have been brilliant if there was a 'play this story as a movie' option) but now he is capable of turning the pages on his own. There is also a wide selection to choose from, and my son loves them all.

Pi'ikea Interactive Alphabet

Each letter has an animation... each touch of the Apple takes a bite out of it, the Dinosaur roars, the Jack in the box pops out... you get the idea! This app also has a 'baby mode' which auto advances each alphabet card in the series.

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Ladybird Baby Touch Peekaboo

There are four categories in this peekaboo app: farm, sea, animals and vehicles. Again, this app has a 'play all' feature which auto advances between them - ideal for smaller kiddies. My son laughs his head off when the penguin jumps off the ice into the water! 

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And here is my wee boy with my phone... (his squint is really noticeable in this photo - we're being seen at the local hospital for it.  It's thought he is long sighted and needs glasses but the optician has not been able to determine his prescription as he won't co-operate at the moment! I think he's just a little too young. We'll get there eventually...).