I've been giving a lot of thought to the future lately and what might lay ahead for me...
I was purposely trying not to plan, but it's just to difficult for me not to. I'm a planner, that's just my personality and who I am. So many questions and things to think about...
Could I get married again? Would I have more children?
The marriage thing I'm not sure about. Yes, I had a bad first experience and am now waiting to get divorced. But I still believe in love and perhaps I would get married again.
The children thing I'm more certain on. I don't want any more kids (eek, that's it out there in black and white!). There are a whole heap of reasons... physically and emotionally I don't think I could manage. I had obstetric cholestasis with both pregnancies and thankfully had two healthy babies. I just don't know that I could face the stress and worry of another pregnancy. My son arrived at 33 weeks spontaneously and the doctors were concerned that my second could arrive even earlier. Thankfully I managed to get to 37 weeks before being induced. I also suffered emotionally afterwards and struggled to enjoy parenthood. Despite friends saying it would perhaps be different with a more supportive partner, I'm not sure that that would be the case.
I also don't think I would like to have my current two kids with me 50% of the time, with another baby with me 100% of the time. I just don't feel that it would be fair. I very much wanted my children and I don't want them to feel left out. I didn't have children to only have them with me 50% of the time and I really struggle with this, even now, and this has been the routine now for some time.
Finally, as selfish as this may seem and probably contradicts what I've said above, I do enjoy my time to myself without the kids. Yes, this was not how I imagined my life turning out being divorced in my 30s but I do have a good balance of work, play, family-time and me-time.
I hope that I've been up front with Rick from the start of our relationship on my feelings but it's not something we've discussed in great detail. I'm asking a lot from him... by choosing to stay with me, he would be choosing to not have children of his own. I don't think he's given this enough thought and I've asked him to give this some serious consideration before we think about taking the next step... perhaps moving in together. I don't know what will happen if he decides that in actual fact he does want to have children of his own.